Can you remember a time when sex used to be fun? When simply making out or holding hands could lift your mood and make you walk on air for days afterward? When did sexy stuff start to lose its luster, and lack that element of excitement and adventure?

Don’t feel down – I’ve got good news! Those pounding heartbeats, butterflies, and jitters aren’t just for new relationships or young people. They can be a part of any relationship, no matter how many years it’s been.  

Here are some things to think about: 

💜 When was the last time sex was actually out-of-the-ordinary, can’t-stop-smiling, fun for you?

💜 When was the last time you and your partner truly laughed together during sexy time? Do you have a silly story that you’ve told over and over again since it happened? What was special about that time? 

💜 Do you remember what it felt like to inhabit that part of yourself that was joyful and silly and engaged and pleasured, without any sort of judgment or worry about what you should be doing or had to do later? To be totally in the moment and present with your partner?

The fact is, everyone’s definition of “fun” is different. The key is to figure out what turned you (and then your partner) on most.  

Perhaps sex was fun when you were younger because it felt illicit. Were you worried someone was going to catch you, but you enjoyed feeling like you were doing something outrageous, over the top, and a little bit naughty? Or maybe you’re most receptive to sexy fun when you’re feeling totally relaxed, but these days everything is rush, rush, rush? Did you savor every date with your partner because you weren’t sure when the next one was? Do you need to know that you can make as much noise as you want to truly get carried away by passionate pleasure?  

Maybe those raging hormones have died down and your body just doesn’t crave sexy fun like it used to. Maybe what used to rev your engine just isn’t enough any more, and you need to experiment. 

“But who has the time?!” you ask, because now you’ve got a life, you’re an adult with important things to worry about, and people who depend on you. 

Or maybe you wouldn’t even know how to experiment. (That was me, btw. I’m still rather shy about suggesting things, but hey, I’m way better than I used to be! 😉) 

But do me a favor, please. Take just a moment to close your eyes, dismiss any judgemental thoughts, and answer this question: 

What would make sexy time more fun for you?

I know you can come up with something… Just close your eyes and imagine a story about someone else having passionate, exciting, sexy fun. Feel free to be as creative as you desire. Forget the boundaries of reality – this is pure fantasy. Allow yourself the grace of acceptance. You owe it to yourself. Do this several times so you get a good understanding of what sexy fun is to you. Suggest to your partner that they do this same exercise on their own.

Once you’re comfortable and ready, plan a time to talk with your partner and share your “crazy” ideas – but laugh together and celebrate how wonderfully outrageous they are. What do your stories have in common? Can you blend them together into one fun, fantastical night? The truth is, you will find yourselves feeling more intimate and bonded simply because you’re opening up about things that you haven’t before.  It’s always fun to hear about couples who start getting frisky before they even finish sharing their stories! 😜

Sexy fun should be something you’re able to have every day, if you want to. The trick is to make it always feel like a privilege and a treat, not a habit or routine. Find a way to add that element of fun back into your connection with your partner, whether that means adding some flirty sexting to your day or simply breaking out of the routine of only having sex in bed, at nighttime. Two tips for you to start off with:

No matter how long you’ve been together, never stop dating! You’ve probably heard this one before, but I stand by it. For many people, dressing to impress and sharing a show or a treat – out on the town and outside of your domestic space – is half the fun of a sexy night. Little things like touching your partner’s hand or waist during the date, or feeding them bites of dinner, brews up anticipation that’s sure to amplify your enjoyment of your romp later! You could even start out in the backseat of your car or discreetly get to second base in a movie theater… And thanks to roleplay, you can replicate whatever titillating fun factor you want – whether it’s from your shared history or someone’s imagination. 

Words can go a long way! If there’s a certain fantasy that’s just not feasible or accessible, you could still indulge by talking about it (with your partner’s permission) during the deed. For example, if the idea of a threesome turns your partner on but you don’t have a third person, you could say “I get first dibs… but I know they can’t wait to walk through that door have their way with you too.”

From there, move on to the simpler, “easy” fantasies (like sex in the shower, or with the lights on, or making out in an elevator…) and take turns acting out each others’ fantasies. 

Remember, everyone deserves sexy fun and it’s up to you to make sure you get it. I hope I was able to spark your imagination today. Cheers to you and your partner creating more sexy meaningful fun together!